As I've said in the past, by the time Saturday evening rolls around, I'm trying to figure out my Sunday post. I think back at the past week. Was there anything significant? Was there anything meaningful? The one thing that I can think of is how time and time again I kept thinking about my growing-up years and what an impact they had on me. Even to my old age and gray hairs I still struggle with self-worth. From a very young age (5 or 6) I was left alone often. I think about all the things that I could have gotten into that would have hurt me in some way, or maybe even killed me. I guess maybe it was a blessing that I wasn't a very curious child. I left stuff alone. The only time I got into "trouble" so to speak was when I was about 7 and was home by myself and went rummaging through one of my mom's dresser drawers. Well, I came across what looked like a yummy chocolate bar (too young to think it odd that my mom would have chocolate in a drawer) and proceeded to eat it. A few hours later I was very sick. And spent the majority of the day in the bathroom. If anyone knows what Ex-lax is, well......I ate it. And I payed the consequences. Big time. So that got me to thinking of all the other stuff I could have gotten into, but by the protection of God, I didn't.
I do, however, remember one summer day and how I was walking and stumbled and fell and hit my head on a piece of concrete. I don't know how longed I laid there, but fortunately a neighbor lady saw me and picked me up, carried me into our house, cleaned the wound, and put a band-aid on it. I look back at that and feel I was attended to by an angel.
I remember that loneliness. I remember the helpless feeling. I kept wondering if this is what all the kids in town are going through, and it wasn't until I started going to school that I saw first hand that, no, other kids have a mom who sees them off in the morning. Who provides breakfast for them. Who reminds them to take a coat on a chilly day.
I remember how desperately I wanted friends but had NO idea how to go about doing that. I wasn't taught the fine art of communicating with others. I was painfully shy. I had this inner feeling of worthlessness. That no one in the entire world would ever want to be with me. I made terrible decisions. One after another.
As a line to a favorite song goes - "Then one moment, everything changed. Who I was got washed away. When mercy found me." God stepped in and gave me life. Some changes were sudden, and others are still a work in progress. I do still struggle with self-worth and feelings of loneliness and maybe that will always be until the Lord takes me home to be with Him. BUT I have learned that GOD sees me as a worthy person. He created me. He formed me in my mother's womb. He knew me before time began.
Which leads me to sanctity of life Sunday. When my mom was carrying me in her early 40's, she almost miscarried me. Fortunately, she took the dr.'s advice and took medication that prevented the miscarriage. I was her ninth and final child. She could have made the decision to just let the miscarriage happen, but she didn't. I'm so grateful for that. Even with the difficult upbringing, I'm glad that she didn't make that decision of just letting me go. God has a plan for each one of us. He is The One that determines whether we live or die. His plan is the plan that is perfect.
I've experienced two miscarriages and there is no person in this world that can tell me those two children were just a mass of tissues. The moment I saw them I KNEW they were more than that and I will meet them in heaven some day. It was a terribly sad time for me but I trust that God knew more than I did.
Let's pray for the unborn. Let's pray that women who find themselves in a place of unplanned pregnancy would choose life and let God take care of the rest. We really CAN trust Him.
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